What's up wwworld

I have moved this blog over to Wordpress. I find it MUCH easier and I like the features WAY better. So if anyone cares to check it out, I will be updating it frequently. So this blog is officially dead and will disappear into the internet somewhere.

Check out the new one!

http://www.shesthinking.wordpress.com

Enjoy!

Life is a Game. Let's Play.

“Life is a kind of Chess, with struggle, competition, good and ill events”

-Benjamin Franklin

I must thank my Fiance for introducing me to this game. I always looked at it as a "nerdy" type of game. To me, it just looked like Checkers with fancier pieces. When he first taught me how to play, I was strictly focused on the legal moves of the pieces. How the Horse moves in an "L" shape, the pawns can only move forward one space but must attack diagnally, the bishop moves as many spaces diagnally, etc. Just basically trying to figure out how to take a piece. When I got the hang of it, I realized if I ever wanted to beat him, I had to have a strategy. A plan of attack. I had to make several moves in my head before I physically moved my pieces. I had to call his bluff and try to guess his next move. Figure out his intentions. I had to sacrifice pieces. I had to understand the importance of a pawn and that in some cases it could be more beneficial to me than my Queen if I had the right battle plan. There is just so much involved in the game. It's a mind game. Sometimes you win with minimal loss of pieces, sometimes you win with only your King. Sometimes your opponent sneaks up on you and takes a vital piece when you are distracted, causing you to have to re-think your entire plan of attack. And then sometimes it is only your King, left running for his life.

You have to have the right confidence to play. You have to play defense and offense with every move you make. It may even involve a little bluffing. Sometimes you must pretend unintentional moves were intentional. But nothing is more aggrivating when someone who hardly knows the game comes in and leaves you begging for your life with a single pawn, a bishop and your King, all on opposite sides of the board, no way to win. You beat yourself up and question your skill. Sometimes you give up and sometimes you will play game after game to proove your skill. Mind games. That's what it is.

My Fiance once wrote a blog and compared his life and our relationship to a game of Chess. I initially laughed at it thinking he was being over-dramatic. Then I thought, "How in the hell is he gonna compare me to a game of chess, does it mean nothing more to him than a game?" He mentioned sacrificing his Queen. I was pissed. Maybe because at the time I didn't know how to play too well. I now totally agree with him.

Life is almost exactly like a game of chess- sacrifice, skill, strategy, confidence, luck, bluffing, you name it. Maybe some day when I perfect my skills at chess, I will be able to play life like a Grandmaster instead of a rookie.

When I grow up

Wow. How do I even begin to write this? Just the mere thought of my childhood makes me zone out in a daze and want to obsessively search 80's cartoons on You Tube! For a while I thought it was just the 80's and 90's. They had to be the coolest decades in history. Now that I have kids I see that the innocence of childhood is nothing less than magical.

I can vividly remember pretending I could walk through my mirror and go to some strange world loaded with vibrant colors, talking cats and singing flowers. I had a huge imagination and I only wish that same perk of character in adulthood. Logic is boring. Ignorance is bliss.

I'm not sure when or where it disappeared. The world physically looks different now. My mom and dad used to be so tall. My big brother wasn't "that" big. My little sister used to tag along wherever I went. The street lights even had so much meaning back then. When my parent's football team lost, the street lights meant it was time to come inside. When their team would win, the street lights dimly lit the sky just enough to put a glow on you as you chased your fellow hide and seekers. Those were really the best years of my life.

I had all of those qualities people pay shrinks to give them. I had optimism. I had confidence. I was as pretty in my thrift store sweater as I was in my name brand jeans. If I set out to do something, I COULD do it, and did do it. Boredom could be easily cured with some old fitted sheets and dining room chairs. Seeking attention was as easy as drawing stick figures of mom and dad. Magic existed every Christmas morning. And I really thought that someday, if I thought it through long and hard, I could eventually fly.

It's so easy to get caught up in being "grown". You have had a long hard day and are totally exhausted, your kid is screaming at you to get monsters out of his room and your newborn doesn't want to sleep, she'd rather stare at the wall. But when I watch my son ride his bike....when I see him jumping on the bed....when I wake up and he has managed to sleep in my bed with me AGAIN, I can't help but smile and remember what it was like.

Life can be so beautiful even *I* have a hard time putting it in words.

Kids are in your future. Proceed with caution!

Man life would be so much easier if there were danger signs EVERYWHERE. Ya know, letting you know in advance that you are in for a ride if you proceed? BIG RED SCARY danger signs.

What is an example, you may ask? HA! Parenting. Yeah. There should have been danger signs tatted on like every single mom I ever came in contact with. *I* happened to be one of those educated "bystanders" that thought the job was simple. Oh MAN. After several trips to the ER for random situations like a nail file going through my son's foot, a piece of his toy cell phone jammed in his ear, some unexplained seizures...and his ability to unlock doors and open windows at an early age, stack toys on top of one another to reach things up high.... I could write a book about the scares I have been through but it would do no justice unless there was a BIG RED SCARY danger sign on the front of it.

Parenting is not easy and not for the faint of heart. Any average Joe can star on Fear Factor, skydive or play with rattle snakes...LOL. Until you have a child, you do not know what fear is. You don't know what love is. You don't know what hope is. It requires a lot of acquired skill and dedication to take care of a child. Oh, add one with special needs and you are DEFINITELY in for a ride.

I remember clearly holding my baby boy in my arms. My first thought was "Oh my God, he's out already?!?!?". Second thought was "Hey, heeeeee doesn't really look like us?!?!?" And my third thought was, "I can't believe this". I mean I was speechless for the first time in my life. All I could produce was tears. This was MINE. This was ME. The baby boy version, of course. My life had forever changed from that moment on and I had no clue what road was ahead of me....or him really. But he was the definition of perfect in my eyes and time honestly stood still for those few moments of him being in my arms.

The first several weeks was like I had a doll baby that had come to life! Ha, I remember dressing him up in all of his mini-man outfits as he screamed his head off. He would have preferred remaining in his birthday suit. But I just loved it. Couldn't even put him in his crib, I just had to sleep with him. I had to feel that closeness. I would wake him up out of a peaceful sleep because even his crying was adorable.

OK that was very short lived. I started to ninja my way around the house when he was sleeping. I would literally combat crawl past his crib at times. He cried ALL the time. And it seemed as if he were psychic because I swear he would wake up and scream as SOON as I was about to engage in any kind of necessary activity. Like number two. Or eating when I haven't eaten ALL day and I am so weak my BONES are shaking. Or talking on the phone FINALLY. I can recall so many nights that I would seriously just cry with him. Man, was I ever glad to get past THAT stage.

I finally got to experience the sunny side of parenting. The first smile, first laugh, the cooing and babbling, the crawling, walking, past the bottle stage. But something just wasn't right. He wasn't hitting those milestones that I had so patiently waited for. The walking was delayed and when it came it was clumsy. The "mama" came late, went away totally, came back.....The words didn't make sense half the time. The tantrums were SO extreme and not typical. He had seizures that were never explained. I was too young for that. I was still in the "I shouldn't have to question professionals when they say everything is fine" stage.

My little baby boy is now a whopping 63 lb 4 year old....and I still cannot have a meaningful conversation with him. The dreams of camping out with him in our backyard have been shattered because he could honestly kill himself if left unattended in a backyard. I have yet to experience so many of the things I patiently waited for and longed for. We suspect he may be autistic but ya know, no one really helps. I am now 24 and SO not listening to the "professionals" when they say "time out will cure the behavior problems" or "a structured environment will break him of his impulsiveness". I am on a lifelong mission to ensure my son has the best life he can possibly have given the circumstances. But no, I was not prepared for this battle.

I now have a baby girl. Sadly those feelings of hope, the images of dance recitals and cheer leading practice are being sabotaged by fears of her ending up in the same boat my son is in. Because yes, every parent experiences fear when it comes to raising their child. But it does not compare when you fear for a child that has no fears. Life is so uncertain and it's horrible when you picture your child's life and how it's supposed to be then reality hits and it's like you have no control over much of anything.

You don't know how your children will end up and that is scary. Some end up being the President. Some will go on to Harvard and some will be stay at home moms. Some will fall in love with a Dr and others will fall in love with a drug addict. Your child may be advanced, may be average or may just be severely impaired. Your daughter could win a beauty pageant while your son gets bullied in school for being the "ugly duckling". Your kids will always get picked on by other kids at some point in life. Life may be fair to them and life may be unfair to them. They may end up successful or they could just mooch off you for the rest of their lives.

It's those kinds of fears that drive parents to do EVERYTHING in their power to give their child the best shot at life. And I have a strange feeling that I am now being repaid for all of the trouble I put my parents through over the years. I now know exactly what they meant when they said, "You just wait until you have kids"....

Romance is Vintage

Damn I love oldies. It's crazy how things change because I swear it was only yesterday I sat in the backseat of my parent's beat up Dodge Caravan ducking for cover while my mom blared The Temptations past all of my neighborhood friends. But over time I have grown a respect for it and actually a huge desire to listen to it....constantly.

For one, it reminds me of the good ole' days. I loved walking in the kitchen and catching my mom and dad slow dancing to The Beach Boys. Nevermind the crazy arguements they got into, it was times like this that made me look forward to adulthood and finding that guy I could dance in the kitchen with.

I'm also dillusional. I believe in my heart Sonny and Cher were right when they said "Love will keep us together". I cherish the famous words of The Casinos, "Tell me you love me for a million years, then if it don't work out, then if it don't work out, then you can tell me goodbye"....And I really thought finding true love would be similar to The Ronnettes in "Be My Baby".

I'm only 24 but I suspect 2008 is totally different than 1958. I believe time robbed us of optimism and the "let's stay together" attitude. Ok, ok I know most of those oldies singers had their share of affairs and divorce. But even THAT looked like something to be envied. People had so much more passion back then. There's no passion anymore. We have developed a run-of-the-mill lifestyle. We think we know it all with our fancy gadgets and hi-tech gidgets. We can educate ourselves on through google yet still need proffessional help on how to make our relationships and marriage work. We want to hear that it's easy. Everything else in life is easy, why can't relationships be easy? That's just our mentality. We run at the first sign of a problem. We dump boyfriends faster than we dump old cell phones. The minute something new comes along, we're out the door.

We live in a fast-paced world now. Everyone is always in a rush to get to their destination. Wether that destination be work everyday or eventual wealth, we are running full speed to get there. Families don't even seem like families anymore. Nothing feels warm. I am surprised at how many people meet online. I met my fiance online. To me that kind of seems like alot of us live life via the WWW. We miss out on so much that life has to offer us because we have gotten extremely passive and lazy. We are too lazy to even hit the damn clubs anymore, most of us just browse Myspace to find our soulmate.

The problem is, we don't have it in us to stick things out and make things work. If it's broke, why fix it when you can easily buy another one?

People please don't run out on love. It's not an old iPod. It's not a slow internet connection. It's real. It's what we live for. Respect it. Cherish it. Fight for it. The best things in life do not come from Best Buy, folks. As hard as you work to maintain your comfortable lifestyle, fighting rush hour traffic every morning, dealing with unappreciative boss's and being over-worked and under-paid, you can work at love. You can work at "making it work". If you don't then you WILL go through love like you go through cell phones......something better will always come out.

Wow....

So I must have been totally blind to the fact that most blogs are about one specific thing. There is absolutely, positively no way in *hell* I could ever have a blog about one topic. No way. I have so much to talk about. I would have to have like a billion blogs floating around out there. So no folks, you are getting my daily grind, my thoughts (as totally random and unimportant as they may get), my bitching..... That's what this is about to me. So if I were to label my blog as fitting into one category, what would it be? Miscellaneous LMFAO. That's it. I am actually now starting to get excited about pissing a few bloggers off. "Her blog is stupid, it makes no sense and the content SUCKS". Please, someone give me some controversy to add sparks to my day.

Labels for this post: Random.

So here it is....

Well I have attempted to do this before. I have been itching to have a blog separate from my Myspace blog but i'm a perfectionist and feel like I have to re-post my 400 blogs to my new blog, which just isn't happening. So here is my attempt and I really hope I stick to it, though there is a good chance I won't. I am not even in the mood to type right now. I hear my daughter squirm with every keystroke and I don't feel like hearing an irate newborn screaming like a banshee just yet. Haven't finished my second cup of coffee and i'd like to send out some resumes so....duty calls.

But this is my new blog for those who care to read.